People relate with each other by using three different approaches:  passive, aggressive or assertive behavior. While most of us are familiar with the passive or aggressive nature of a friend or loved one, we may not recognize an assertive personality. People often mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness, but there are some key differences between these approaches to relationships.

Assertiveness is the sweet spot between being too aggressive and too passive. Based on mutual respect, assertiveness is the ability to express yourself effectively and to stand up for your point of view, thoughts and feelings, while at the same time diplomatically respecting those of others. Assertive people defend themselves when someone attempts to dominate them;  they only use aggression in defense of their personal boundaries.

Being assertive can help to create a healthy, honest relationship in a number of positive ways.

• Build self-confidence and self-esteem
• Understand and recognize your own feelings
• Ability to stand up for yourself
• Earn the respect of others
• Improve communication and decision-making skills

The Passive Personality
A passive person appears shy, reserved and easy-going on the exterior, but is often hiding or holding back their true feelings. Passivity is about submission. “I don’t care what we do. I’ll just go along with whatever you decide,” is the mantra of the passive individual.

The passive person avoids conflict at all costs - hoping to keep the peace. But the real message conveyed is that their own thoughts and feelings aren’t as important as others. They’re giving others permissions to disregard their wants, needs and feelings and end up feeling resentful, angry, vengeful, stressful and hopelessly victimized.

The Aggressive Personality
On the flip side, the aggressive person holds nothing back and appears to disregard the feelings, opinions and needs of others. Often considered arrogant and self-righteous, humiliation and intimidation are often the tools they use to get what they want. They impose their will and invade the personal space of others and may resort to physical threats.

Aggressive people pay a high price for their attitude torwards others. Their bullish behavior may cause people to avoid them, leave them out of social activities, mistrust and resent them.

Techniques for Developing Assertiveness
We develop communication skills based on our life experiences and may have them so ingrained that we’re not even aware of them. Most people aren’t naturally assertive, handling the bumps and bruises of life with finesse and diplomacy, but learn over time to take control of your own life and not try to control others. People who tend to be passive can learn to be more direct, while those who tend to be more aggressive can learn to communicate with less intensity and more flexibility.

A healthy relationship will lean heavily toward the assertive and to lesser degrees to passive or aggressive behaviors. Here are six ways that you can develop a more assertive personality:

1. Avoid accusatory statements. Use “I” statements such as “I disagree” rather than saying, “You’re wrong!” Learn to voice your thoughts without putting people on the defensive. Take ownership of your opinions.

2. Resist the pressure of people who try to bully you. Dominant people will often try and throw you off by bringing irrelevant points into a discussion. Don’t be tempted to defend yourself; just bring the conversation back to the subject at hand.

3. Learn to say no. Although it may be hard, it’s your right to turn down people who make a request of you. Be prepared with responses like “No, I won’t be available then.” Be upfront and direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.

4. Ask for time. Don’t be bullied into giving an immediate response. “Let me think about that.” or “I need time to consider what you’ve said.”

5. Play the role. Just by visualizing and acting confident, you may begin to feel confident. Make eye contact, reflect a positive facial expression, and keep an open and relaxed posture. Keep your voice even and firm.

6. Keep your emotions in check. Frustration or anger will only escalate a conflict. Breathe deeply, relax and respond calmly.

If you’ve spent years being silent, becoming more assertive won’t happen overnight. Or, if you tend to be aggressive, you may need time to learn to handle your anger or domineering personality to become assertive rather than aggressive. Learning to be assertive takes time and practice and won’t happen just by reading about it. Action is required. Practice on family and friends and see how honest communication improves your relationships.