Needy People - Looking for Someone Else to Make Them Happy
Posted by Noreen Ruth, June 15th, 2009
Why do so many relationships, romantic or otherwise, begin with the thrill and excitement of great possibilities only to dwindle and fail over time? One reason that is often overlooked is an imbalance of authority and control in the relationship. Or, put in simpler terms - insecurity and neediness. Needy people are often clingy, controlling, possessive, jealous and demanding. Other, more friendly terms we use to describe a needy person are ‘high-maintenance’ or ‘difficult’.
It’s All About Balance
A healthy relationship is mutually balanced and meets the needs of both partners with each person having a clearly defined sense of identity. If there are feelings of inadequacy, people may be self-critical and begin to expect others to meet needs that they are capable of meeting themselves. They may also lack the ability to think of others and desire to be the center of attention at all times. When dependency issues creep into a relationship, there are bound to be problems. People with feelings of emptiness will try to fill their unhappiness through any means necessary, including guilt.
Watch for Patterns
When couples are mismatched, with one partner having more needs than the other, a pattern starts to develop. At first, everything is great and both partners seem satisfied. The neediness starts off slowly with hurt feelings, which become more and more common, and eventually transforms into flashes of jealousy. No matter the cause, the couple begins to draw apart. The more they move away from each other the more desperate the needy partner becomes to hold on to the relationship - effectively becoming even more needy. This results in a vicious cycle that continues to get worse if left unchecked. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, as Albert Einstein once said, is the definition of insanity. Or as Dr. Phil would say, “So, how’s that working for you?”
The needy individual is always dealing with feelings of insecurity and is uncomfortable in their everyday life. Tone of voice, body language or words give away the needy feelings of people who are looking to be taken care of, both physically and emotionally.
Effects of Needy Behavior
People who are drawn to needy people may feel unable to compete in a relationship that is mutual in areas of authority and control. Men may feel a sense of protectiveness for a woman who exhibits these behaviors but will soon be drained by her neediness. Women, on the other hand, may feel motherly towards a needy guy. But she, too, will turn away when she realizes that it’s a one-way street and that her needs won’t be met.
To engage in a healthy relationship, both people need to have a clear understanding of who they are and what makes them unique. With a strong identity, the intimacy of the relationship will not be a threat and you can appreciate those qualities in your partner that are different from your own.
How do you become less needy? I feel I am ruining a good relationship. I also have baggage from an old relationship where I was dumped and never really dealt with it.
Your awareness of the negative impact that your past relationship may have on your neediness is a GIANT step. People who are destined to remain needy are unable or unwilling to recognize how their past effects their present situation.
Having said that, you now need to see your current relationship through a clear lens, one that doesn’t include visions from your past. If you have issues that need to be resolved with your past, face them head on - make a phone call or write a letter, if you need to get it off you chest. Clearing the air may not fix what has happened but it will be easier to file it away in the past once you have.
Another important point to remember is that your current relationship is NOT your past one. It’s not fair to your partner for you to be confused on this point. There is some truth to the clique ‘once bitten, twice shy’ but you are stronger and more capable of handling this relationship having learned so much from the previous one.
Hold your head up high, be proud of who you are and be willing to take care of your own needs, trusting that you will survive - no matter what!
Good luck,
Noreen
This is probably one of the most insightful things I’ve read about my past relationship. I broke up with my girlfriend of which we were together for a long time at 6 years. But in those 6 years, I saw a level of need that I felt was too overpowering. Initially, like you said, things began slowly and I felt a need to be her rock but as it played over the course of 6 years, it really took it’s toll on me. I will say that the one thing that disturbed me is that you said guilt is a method of trying to fill their unhappiness. I don’t think you could have hit the nail on the head any more than that comment. I discovered that a person who is full of self-loathing and depression 75% of the time, can not be a person you can be with for much longer, when they start to take over your personal life.
Here’s my question: how do you tell your partner that they’re being overly needy without sounding like an ass?
I’m currently in a 6 month relationship and for a lil the relationship was working and then my girlfriend lost her father and has become needy to the point where it affecting the relationship. She become increasingly possesive, controling and demanding. she’s also has no trust in me even though I’ve done nothing for her not to trust me, she says it’s because even though we are together all the time, I still need to constantly reassure her that I care about her. She’s even started using her fathers passing to guilt trip me into doing things I do want. How do I get the fighting to stop because I’m becoming increasingly aggitated and don’t kno how much longer I can take this
Define needy.
Does this have anything to do with the other partner in the relationship having some sort of time block due to work or school or children or recent divorce, which does not allow time for the relationship to evolve into a trusting and nurturing bond between two people? The needy person could be the one that is shutting down, not the one that is asking for, in this issue.
I’ve lost a chance to bond recently. I just ended it via an email. I feel this article is very one sided, but heh, maybe to you I’m “needy”.
I was told by my last wife that I was needy. I don’t think so. If Needyness has to do with trust or inscurity. She created this dought I’m me by telling story after unbelievebly story. t
How do I stop being over needy?
I was with a guy who was extremely needy. I had to be at his side all the time. The jealousy was out of control, I never ever could get him to be secure unless I wore all the right clothes, shiirts that did not go below the collar bone and I had to give up all hope of ever being in a bathing suitl He declared that he loved me soooo much that he needed to protect me from other men who might look at me. I was so confused about his needs that I was feeling drained being around him. He than started making demands that I needed to be better in the relationship SO HE COULD BE HAPPIER. When the physical abuse started i knew that he was more than just a needy person HE WAS AN ABUSER so I left and never looked back.
@Anne
author already defined needy: when there is imbalance in the needs of either party.
@Mike
like the author also said, the giant step is the most important one. and its hard to admit. but it’s also the first step
I found myself realizing that each relationship I have had has been with a person that was looking to be rescued. I enjoyed the role of being the solution to their problems - however, in the end, the relationships eventually declined and failed. The first was my ex… after looking back at our relationship she had gone form her abusive boyfriend to her parents to me and on to her new husband. She molded herself to fit into whichever situation she found herself currently in and when it ceased to be satisfying she moved on to another situation. She has never lived by herself and has always sought the comfort of someone to take her away from her current situation. My next experience was far more disturbing and intense. A young lady looked at me and said she had lost weight from stress and asked me to help her put some back on. I found myself receiving regular phonecalls from her asking how I’d been and to tell me new events in her life. Eventually she began dating a young man who was exciting but unable to provide for her. And although the young man was exciting I felt he didn’t have the integrity to provide her with the support that she required… although I stepped up to the plate believing that I was the best thing she had in her life and solving all her financial problems, she insisted on hiding her living arrangement with him. I asked repeatedly for honesty and she denied even in the face of objective evidence. Finally last year I cut her off after another simple lie. I soon learned that the boyfriend was on probation for trying to obtain a controlled substance with a forged prescription - and she was implicated in writing them for him, by their doctor. As it turns out, she exhibits many of the signs for anti-social personality disorder which may be an extreme form of the Needy Personality. Since that time I have become aware of the fact that needy women flock to me. I take care of them for awhile but become upset with their lack lack of consideration, responsibility and empathy. I’m still looking for someone to spend my time with, but I now realize that my tendency to be attracted to these people is a problem I need to address and arrest before it becomes a bigger problem.
@anne porter,
i wonder what happened because it doesn’t seem like your friend, from your example, was needy. using limited info it seems your friend fell in hand times and so you could no longer continue “extracting” whatever it was they were giving you.
if my words are correct, you very probably are not needy-but something else- abusive…. or a better word is low in morals. obviously your friend never wizened up to know you never were a friend.
we are trying to be honest. not whitewash or hate. i too have my own “bad” things and desire for truth so i can move forward.
i just don’t think you are needy… meaning i don’t think you had these massive bad self esteem issues, that are often a result of being raised in a crappy family.
i hope that helps.
So i started dating this guy but lives in another state anyways i dont like to feel that im needy just i have ALOT of free time on my hands cause im a stay home parent to my son who is 20months old………Anyways when hes away cause working in the airforce i txt him alot cause i miss him etc.. well not need for etc? lol just miss him! And txt him “sorry if im being annoying with the txts” “hes like no just needy but thats fine,hes like ur not like that in person thoe haha its cute”?? FINE / CUTE? lol im thinking omg i dont want to cross as that person,cause in person im laided back! I dnt compare it to my past relationship “to the person” i just dont want to get hurt i just want him to always be honest with me where we both stand? Hes actually very special to me,its like i have this connection with him so i dont campare him at all. I guess apart of me has this fear deep within and the other part of me rather just leave him cause i think to myself he can do better! why waste your time on some1 who has a kid? Doesn’t help with my parents being negative either? Cause when my ex partner left me when i was 8weeks pregnant (2009 april) i was shocked never wanted to be put in that situation again (so i have this wall up) and now my parents see it as a fall down to meeting someone……arrh lol i hate it…
Im dealing with a needy person who is literaly draining the life outta me im so stressed ive gained wieght losing hair im 25 wtf my mother and father have thick heads full of hair its too much the guilt trips the finger pointing untrust i see her everday allday she wont even be with her friends just to keep an eye on me its to the point i cant stand being around her its been 4 years you still dont trust me cmon she has the nerve to say i make her feel worthless when im the one always trying to bring her up and now its affecting our sex life id rather go weeks without than turn to her the moods swings are unbearable one minute im baby the next dont touch me wtf are you serious i think my daughter is the only reason i havent ended it she is stable enough to raise a young child
i’ll admit that i am needy, i’m not sure if it’s because i was never close to any o my amily members or not. I noticed that while being in a relationship and being aware of all my bad qualities, i never once reveled, how hurt and upset i really was, i always brushed it aside thinking i was over reacting. I guess i didn’t want to give my boyfriend a hard time but the momment we broke up i didn’t even bother to conceal my tears, and eventhough i know we’re never getting back together, i seem to constantly be making his lie a living hell. We’re still friends and i’ve become much more possessive, jelous and needy. HOW DO I STOP?