Why do so many relationships, romantic or otherwise, begin with the thrill and excitement of great possibilities only to dwindle and fail over time? One reason that is often overlooked is an imbalance of authority and control in the relationship. Or, put in simpler terms - insecurity and neediness. Needy people are often clingy, controlling, possessive, jealous and demanding. Other, more friendly terms we use to describe a needy person are ‘high-maintenance’ or ‘difficult’.

It’s All About Balance
A healthy relationship is mutually balanced and meets the needs of both partners with each person having a clearly defined sense of identity. If there are feelings of inadequacy, people may be self-critical and begin to expect others to meet needs that they are capable of meeting themselves. They may also lack the ability to think of others and desire to be the center of attention at all times. When dependency issues creep into a relationship, there are bound to be problems. People with feelings of emptiness will try to fill their unhappiness through any means necessary, including guilt.

Watch for Patterns
When couples are mismatched, with one partner having more needs than the other, a pattern starts to develop. At first, everything is great and both partners seem satisfied. The neediness starts off slowly with hurt feelings, which become more and more common, and eventually transforms into flashes of jealousy. No matter the cause, the couple begins to draw apart. The more they move away from each other the more desperate the needy partner becomes to hold on to the relationship - effectively becoming even more needy. This results in a vicious cycle that continues to get worse if left unchecked. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, as Albert Einstein once said, is the definition of insanity. Or as Dr. Phil would say, “So, how’s that working for you?”

The needy individual is always dealing with feelings of insecurity and is uncomfortable in their everyday life. Tone of voice, body language or words give away the needy feelings of people who are looking to be taken care of, both physically and emotionally.

Effects of Needy Behavior
People who are drawn to needy people may feel unable to compete in a relationship that is mutual in areas of authority and control. Men may feel a sense of protectiveness for a woman who exhibits these behaviors but will soon be drained by her neediness. Women, on the other hand, may feel motherly towards a needy guy. But she, too, will turn away when she realizes that it’s a one-way street and that her needs won’t be met.

To engage in a healthy relationship, both people need to have a clear understanding of who they are and what makes them unique. With a strong identity, the intimacy of the relationship will not be a threat and you can appreciate those qualities in your partner that are different from your own.