A balanced relationship is often described as a relationship of equals. But that is a misnomer. Couples who are looking for equality will struggle with an endless stream of mental arithmetic to keep a balanced scorecard, only to find out that equality is an unrealistic fantasy.

Consider a two-pan beam scale, like the one that symbolizes justice, perfectly balanced. The delicate balance of the scale is not dependent upon the specific contents of each pan. In fact, each side may hold elements that have no resemblance to each other or anything in common. This is a metaphor for a balanced relationship.

A relationship that is balanced will have equal parts of ‘you’, ‘me’ and ‘us’, with both partners receiving and giving in equal proportion. Each partner is able to maintain their own identity, friends, hobbies and outside interests while nurturing the relationship. But they also share mutual friends, hopes, dreams, struggles and intimacy. If the reciprocal nature of the relationship is unbalanced, one person will be taking more than they’re willing to give and potentially ruining any chance of long-term love.

On one side of a balanced relationship is the independent relationship. Individuals in this type of relationship may live separately, even in different parts of the country, share few mutual friends or hobbies and spend little time together. Essentially, they are strongly focused on ‘you’ and ‘me’ and not so much on ‘us’. The perceived loss of independence and possible fear of intimacy threaten any balance.

The opposite extreme is the dependent relationship. In this type of relationship, individuals give up or lose their identity. They become enmeshed in each other and live ‘as one’. Their focus is on ‘us’ and very little on ‘you’ and ‘me’. Insecurity and lack of self-esteem may lead to this type of controlling/controlled relationship with one partner calling the shots to maintain control and the other following. Fear of abandonment and neediness will sabotage any possibility of a balanced relationship.

So what does a balanced relationship look like?

• Realistic Expectations – Couples do not look to their partners to fill their needs. They understand how to nurture themselves and in turn nurturing each other.

• Empathize with Each Other – Their actions are filtered through a ‘you first’ frame and consider how they would feel if the tables were turned. They take a step back and reconsider their approach, especially during a conflict.

• Present a United Front – Others will know by your actions that you are each others best friend, lover and confidant.

• Emotionally Connected – The time and energy you each put into understanding the others emotions and the ability to share your own feelings produces emotional balance.

• Separateness vs. Togetherness – Each partner attends to their own needs without neglecting the needs of their partner.

A balanced relationship will only happen if the strength of each partner is intertwined with the other – like the links in a chain. Couples who forget their individuality and focus solely on their togetherness lose the balance that keeps a relationship healthy. And a relationship where one or both partners live separate lives is doomed to fail.

Solid, balanced relationships are about give and take! Don’t make someone a priority in your life, if you’re just an option in theirs. Relationships work best when they are balanced.