Divorce is messy! And dating in the aftermath can be just as difficult. For many, one of the most sensitive subjects to consider when dating after a divorce is children. With over half of all marriages ending within 15 years, it’s even harder to move on when kids are involved. Not only do you have to deal with your feelings of heartbreak and loss, but your children may be especially vulnerable.

Divorce not only destroys a marriage but causes collateral damage to anyone who loves or cares about you and your ex. Children love both parents making them particularly vulnerable, confused and anxious. Kids question who they are, where they came from and where their lives are headed after a divorce. Their hopes for happiness, as valid as yours, need to be taken into full consideration when you begin looking for someone new.

Taking it Slow

Children need to be protected from any future relationship failures, if at all possible. That means, you should put some distance between your children and a new relationship until you’re prepared to deal with their needs.

Seeing a parent date may be awkward for some kids because it chips away at their reunion fantasy – the hope that you will get back together. The anxiousness of divorce draws children closer to their parents. Don’t undermine their trust by thrusting a new relationship on them too soon.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Address your children s concerns with truthful, direct conversation about the possibility of future relationships before you even begin dating. Be prepared to answers all of their questions. Why would you want another partner? What will happen to us? How will a new relationship affect us? Be open to the possibility that they will feel threatened. Consider the unasked questions lurking in the back of your children’s heart? For example: “Will the new guy try to be my ‘new’ dad?”

Encourage them to express their feelings. Show them with your actions and what you say that a new love interest will never come between you. Never tell them that you won’t have a relationship with anyone they don’t like. But help them understand that they will not be deciding the terms of your relationship. That’s not to say that full disclosure needs to be made after a first or second date. But when you think that there is serious potential for romance to blossom into love, thoughtful consideration needs to be taken to help the kids deal with it.

Time for Introductions

Some people use the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ method, the unspoken rule that keeps their romantic lives separate from their home lives. Casually introducing every date to your kids is definitely a bad idea. But it’s just as bad to minimize a serious relationship as just ‘friends’. Your kids may feel betrayed when they realize the seriousness of the relationship.

Only consider making the introductions after you’ve talked at length with your child about the relationship. Be sure they are ready for the meeting. Choose a setting that is kid-friendly and allows for some distractions - like a sporting event or amusement park. And be careful about how much time you spend together. You don’t want them to become emotionally connected only to find that the relationship isn’t going to work out.