Living Together Before Marriage – A Good Idea?
Posted by Noreen Ruth, January 11th, 2010
More than half (54%) of all couples who married between 1990 and 1994 began their relationship cohabiting together before getting married. By 2000, the total number of unmarried couples in America was nearly five million, up from less than half a million in 1960. Nearly ten percent (9.6%) of all couples living together were unmarried in 2007, according the U.S. Census. And for couples who have been married more than once, the rate of living together is even higher.
An increase in the number of couples who are cohabiting goes along with an increase in society’s acceptance. It was only thirty years ago that an unmarried couple who was living together were breaking the law. It was only a generation ago that it was considered a disgrace to shack-up; these couples were the rebels, the risk takers of society. Today those societal standards have gone by the wayside and nod and a wink is the typical response by friends and family to an unmarried couple living together.
Many people believe that living together is a good test run before committing to marriage, helping to lessen the inevitable marital problems. But moving in together means a commitment that goes deeper than many people realize - buying or renting a place together, getting a dog and sharing in an exclusive relationship. And couples who aren’t sure they want to marry will find it much more difficult to end the relationship.
Although it’s true that the overall divorce rate is higher among couples who have lived together before marrying, not in the way you probably think. A new study shows that the real risk is for those who lived with someone other than their eventual spouse.
Higher Divorce Risk
Cohabitation does not reduce the likelihood of eventual divorce; in fact, it’s associated with a higher divorce risk. Social research on the topic shows that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation.
A reason for this could be that the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve one later. This may be similar to the effects of divorce; going through a divorce makes one more tolerant of divorce. Living together isn’t the cause, it’s the attitude of the people who are choosing to give it a ‘try’ before committing to marriage.
Infidelity and Aggression
Divorce may not be more prevalent in those who cohabit, but infidelity is, along with physical aggression. Women in cohabiting relationships are more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse. Aggression is fifty times more likely in live-in situations. Several studies found that women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships. Researchers theorize that marriages are held together by a strong ethic of commitment, while cohabiting by nature undercuts ethics with less commitment and a greater desire for personal autonomy.
Communication and Satisfaction
The assurance of a long-term commitment that comes with saying “I do” provides fertile ground for people to develop their conflict resolution and support skills. Cohabiting couples have less invested in the relationship and fewer reasons to work it out. They report lower levels of happiness, sexual exclusivity and satisfaction. Nearly 40% of couples living together will break up within seven years.
So whether you choose to cohabitate or not the benefits of committing to marriage are too numerous to ignore. Married couples experience better physical and mental health, happiness, longevity and production in the labor market. In addition, depression is three times more likely in cohabiting couples than in married couples.
An interesting thought provoking post, as I have always believed I should have cohabited before marrying. Now it seems I may well have stood more chance of eventually separating if I had cohabited before marrying.
I think couples who cohabit or marry enter relationships with the intention of staying together, but today it seems people are quick to give up on a relationship without putting in the effort required to keep it alive.
Interesting article Noreen. So you’re definitely anti-cohabitating before marriage? I’ve got an article about it’s perils on my site too: http://www.datingsupportnetwork.com/2010/01/02/cohabitation-negotiation/
Nice post
Having been in different romantic relationships over the years, I have came to notice that relationships usually go through stages, and that they end when one of the partners, or both, are unable to provide the necessary qualities needed to move into the next stage.
So what does it take for strangers to become partners for life? Here is my take on this question:
http://innovationimitation.com/2010/05/4-stages-of-a-relationship/
I prefer to live in separated place before marriage, because if the relationship doesn’t work, the problems won’t get worse. Btw when I finally got married, it felt like we were a newly dating couple, it felt good and exciting, in the beginning of marriage I still felt nervous every time I met my spouse
I don’t think it’s a good idea either. I’m sure you can get to know a person just the same without having to share the same accommodations. If you don’t have to live together, i say don’t, .. enjoy your time apart while you still have it and save moving in together after marriage.
Living together before marriage is a choice between two people based on their beliefs and culture. This may work for some, but not entirely for the rest.
“I prefer to live in separated place before marriage, because if the relationship doesn’t work, the problems won’t get worse.”
Great. Theyll just get worse after you’re legally bound to one another and have to pay hundred of thousands of dollars to remove the binding. Good plan.
If legal costs are the only thing keep you together, you guys are pretty fucked up. Too bad this is true of many couple going through the motions.
Divorce rates are higher in previously cohabiting couples because they understand that one should not suffer through a relationship. They are jaded with relationships with poor conflict resolution, which is most. If the blissful ignorance of newly weds is the main thing you want to depend on, and the only thing you care about is whether they stay together or not rather than whether the relationship is actually healthy, we’ve already lost.
Hi,
Well, lots of partners now lived together before marriage. And I guess it’s not that bad, coz honestly my mom and dad live together before they got married. They Were 30 years married now and still together. We live happily and peacefully. So for me It’s not an issue either they live together before or after marriage.
Thank much!
I have always been against cohabiting, I am a firm believer in doing it Gods way, the old fashioned way of living together only after marriage and the statistics and facts in this post reveal why Gods way is still the best way regardless of how irrelevant people think God has become in our society.
Its interesting that the more we deviate from Gods standards, the worse or world and lives get - I’m sure we’ll get the message very soon
Hi It was my pleasure to read this article But If we are gonna base the whole thing on the bible it clearly says that it’s sin so I would say that Living Together Before Marriage – Is absolutely not good idea
I lived with my wife before we got married. I knew the first time that I saw her that we would be married. That was ten years ago. I haven’t killed her. The only time I may have hit her was to knock a mosquito off of her, and I love her more today than I did then.
Cohabitation really depends on the couple. We have these statistics about cohabitation now, but what about before the statistics were kept? Are there statistics to compare them to from the 40’s and 50’s when living together after marriage was the norm?
And as far a legal, It is far less compliacted after marriage. What happens if you buy a house with someone you are living with and you seperate? Mucky, mucky legal issues. Divorce with married individuals handles those situations.