An increase in the number of couples who are cohabiting goes along with an increase in society’s acceptance. It was only thirty years ago that an unmarried couple who was living together were breaking the law. It was only a generation ago that it was considered a disgrace to shack-up; these couples were the rebels, the risk takers of society. Today those societal standards have gone by the wayside and nod and a wink is the typical response by friends and family to an unmarried couple living together.

Many people believe that living together is a good test run before committing to marriage, helping to lessen the inevitable marital problems. But moving in together means a commitment that goes deeper than many people realize - buying or renting a place together, getting a dog and sharing in an exclusive relationship. And couples who aren’t sure they want to marry will find it much more difficult to end the relationship.

Although it’s true that the overall divorce rate is higher among couples who have lived together before marrying, not in the way you probably think. A new study shows that the real risk is for those who lived with someone other than their eventual spouse.

Higher Divorce Risk
Cohabitation does not reduce the likelihood of eventual divorce; in fact, it’s associated with a higher divorce risk. Social research on the topic shows that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation.

A reason for this could be that the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve one later. This may be similar to the effects of divorce;  going through a divorce makes one more tolerant of divorce. Living together isn’t the cause, it’s the attitude of the people who are choosing to give it a ‘try’ before committing to marriage.

Infidelity and Aggression
Divorce may not be more prevalent in those who cohabit, but infidelity is, along with physical aggression. Women in cohabiting relationships are more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse. Aggression is fifty times more likely in live-in situations. Several studies found that women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships. Researchers theorize that marriages are held together by a strong ethic of commitment, while cohabiting by nature undercuts ethics with less commitment and a greater desire for personal autonomy.

Communication and Satisfaction
The assurance of a long-term commitment that comes with saying “I do” provides fertile ground for people to develop their conflict resolution and support skills. Cohabiting couples have less invested in the relationship and fewer reasons to work it out. They report lower levels of happiness, sexual exclusivity and satisfaction. Nearly 40% of couples living together will break up within seven years.

So whether you choose to cohabitate or not the benefits of committing to marriage are too numerous to ignore. Married couples experience better physical and mental health, happiness, longevity and production in the labor market. In addition, depression is three times more likely in cohabiting couples than in married couples.

Is he already married??? Here are some signs to look for:

1. Trust Your Inner Voice - Not exactly scientific or heard by others, your inner voice is your intuition or sixth-sense. You don’t know how you ‘know’ - you just do. Learning to pay attention when you sense something is not quite right may protect you from unknowingly getting involved with a married man.
2. Personal Information is Vague or Withheld - It’s understandable that personal information won’t be shared in the first few dates, but once the relationship becomes more serious, learning more about each other is natural and healthy. But a married man will rarely share this kind of information, even using a fictitious name. If your date hesitates to share his home phone number, where he lives and works, you need to be cautious. Anyone who lives out of a suitcase, provides a post office box as a mailing address and explains it away with a flippant devil-may-care attitude is someone who may not be giving you the whole scoop.
3. Never Invites You Home - Probably the most obvious sign that you’re date is married is that you’re never invited to his home. Roommates or clutter are the excuses often cited, but anyone who keeps you from seeing where they live could be married.
4. Schedules Dates like Clockwork - The times you can meet are so predictable that you could set your clock by them. Be wary especially if he can only see you during the week. Weekends are out of the question for a married man - that’s family time.
5. Avoids Social Events - A married man will want to avoid social events. He doesn’t want to be called out on his deception. If you rarely go out socially, even to innocent places like a restaurant and have never been invited to meet his friends or family and vague excuses are given, your date may be married. A sincere, single man will be more than happy, even honored, to have his family meet you.
6. Sudden Disappearances - If you’re dating someone who has to go out-of-town during the holidays or just plain disappears unexpectedly for periods of time, you need to investigate. Does he call at odd hours, hang up without notice and call back later. These signs may indicate he’s a busy family man or at least a married man.
7. Behavior and Attitudes - A dating married man will be cautious in every way. He may be quiet, not participating in the conversations around him. Obviously, he may just be shy, but over time that should lessen and he should be able to open up.

There are risks whether a person uses online dating services or goes the traditional dating route. Deceptive people will use all kinds of tricks to get what they want. But the signs are always there when a person is playing a cruel game in a relationship, you just need to be alert to the possibility. The best defense is to be aware that you may hook up with one and learn to trust your gut.

In their relationships, baby boomers are committed to the institution of marriage and many are still happily married to their high school sweethearts. On the flip side, this is the generation that pushed the divorce rate up to 50% and made it more acceptable. Baby boomers are nearing retirement and looking forward to a life of leisure. After all, they’re in better shape and better educated than any other generation.

Crisis brought on by life changes
Increasingly aware that they may be faced with having to seriously downsize, boomers may be experiencing more than their share of crisis – both emotional and financial. Instead of the government and their personal nest eggs providing economic sanctuary, they may be left to our own devices.  The stress may bring on a desire to relive their youth.

But there is just too much living still to be done to succumb to dire predictions or the chemical and hormonal changes raging through their bodies. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during midlife and take stock in what they’ve accomplished so far in life. But a few extra pounds, laugh lines, graying at the temples and other physical signs of aging needn’t be the start of a midlife crisis, if you’re aware of how it manifests itself and ways to interrupt the negative process.

A midlife crisis may be devouring your relationship, an internal change that will have either a positive outcome or negative outcome. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression. Warning signs that you’re dealing with a mid-life crisis include:

• More disagreements and conflict
• Dissatisfaction with job and home
• Desire to make a drastic life change
• Would rather be somewhere else - boredom
• Super critical of appearance, weight, wrinkles, etc.
• Wish list includes muscle or sports car
• Drastic change in clothing, hairstyle
• New focus on physical attributes
• “You’re growing apart.”
• Needs time to think or space
• Need for uncharacteristic intimacy and affection

These are people who have, up to this point, assumed responsibility and been dependable. One day they look in the mirror and see someone looking back who they don’t recognize – an old man or woman. Time is running out; there are so many things that still need to be done. Husband/wife, father/mother, bread winner/homemaker – too many stressful roles with too few life goals accomplished.

Heading off the crisis
You might rage against the life process, but there’s no way to avoid the ticking clock of age. By neglecting your own personal needs and desires and focusing only on others, you stand the risk of being unable to refocus when they no longer need your attention. If a woman spends her days taking care of her family with no regard for her own needs, she is asking for trouble. Likewise, if a man works hard to provide for his family and doesn’t pursue experiences outside the family, he is setting himself up for a crisis.

Living in the now is the mantra that will help move someone out of the dispondency of a midlife crisis; changing how you think and view your life will help you to master your later years with grace and joy. Most of us, no matter what stage of life we’re in, have been programmed by time and society to tow-the-line and follow a politically correct paradigm. By moving away from our comfort zone and embracing a personal dream, the transition will be easier. People who live their lives fulfilling their dreams and have a purpose are less likely to experience a crisis at midlife or minimize the effects, if they experience one.

You’re the guy in the crowd who isn’t interested in chug-a-lugging beer until you pass out. You’re also not the one who throws the first punch to defend your honor. You’re dependable, average in the looks department, a good listener, trustworthy and loyal. You have plenty of women ‘friends’ and everyone says what a great guy you are and that you’d be a great catch. But even with all the traits that women claim to look for in a man, you’re striking out in dating department. So what’s really going on?

First off, guys, you aren’t being turned down because you’re too nice! Niceness is a positive characteristic. Women aren’t consciously rating the guys they meet. They’re not saying, “Hmmm, he seems really cool except that he’s just too thoughtful.” If you’re rejected by every woman you meet, just know that it’s not about whether you’re too nice or too caring.

The difference between Mr. Nice Guy and a Nice Guy
The characteristics that make a man desirable to a woman include all those listed above. But the point that many miss is the difference between a nice guy and Mr. Nice Guy. A nice guy is genuine, while Mr. Nice Guy is working hard to convince you of his perfection. A nice guy is actually nice, while Mr. Nice Guy is angry and disillusioned about finding love. In fact, he may be hiding a narcissistic bend and a need to be dominant. Women are looking for a shared relationship, while Mr. Nice Guy is looking to be the big cheese.

A nice guy, on the other hand, is able to remain independent, freely expressing his opinion and even risking disappointing or bringing on an argument. Another aspect is his ability and willingness to empathize, to consider the emotions of others and to be sensitive to their needs.

Mr. Nice Guy is emotional, but lacks sensitivity. He imposes his emotions on a situation with expectations that his partner feel the same. He can’t make the distinction between how he feels and why she doesn’t feel the same.

Women love a bit of mystery
Women are looking for strength of character, self-confidence and a sense of mystery - traits that are often lacking in Mr. Nice Guy. An inner strength wrapped in a quiet, confident man is an attractive trait for many women. Mr. Nice Guy may come across as needy. He may share his emotions and experiences that belie his insecurities. His date may hear every heartbreaking story about being dumped or why his mother calls twice a day. While he is telling his women friends about the problems in his life he is being labeled as a loser in the love department.

Mr. Nice Guy has a hard time making a decision and rarely takes command of a conversation. And just like the rest of us, he just wants to be loved and will do just about anything to gain your acceptance. Women often can’t tell if ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ likes them for who they are or if he has attached himself because she paid him some attention.

Dating a nice guy
Living a balanced life, confident in his masculinity, assertive, self-assured but also able to show compassion, romance and love are the characteristics that define a nice guy. A nice guy is adventurous, funny and strong and the kind of man that women are hoping to build a future with.

The ideal body image that the media portrays is solely determined by outward factors. But beauty is subjective; each one of us defines it in our own way. The truth of the cliche “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” makes it impossible to pin down a day on the calendar when beauty begins to fade. The message that society sends about beauty is not only dangerous to our health but also to our relationships. Young girls  refuse to eat to maintain a size ‘0′; young adults are exercise excessively to gain a bodybuilder’s physique and men and women of all ages are opting for cosmetic surgery, in an attempt to stop inevitable aging.

It’s true that the first thing we notice about someone is their appearance. But the people I’m most drawn to are not who you would call ‘pretty’ people. They’re every-day men and women who have confidence and charisma. Their specific characteristics are not always obvious but they have traits I’m attracted to and make me want to make a connection. They pay no attention to what is happening around them, but stay true to their own morals, ethics and life goals.

It may be outer beauty that first makes individuals stand out in the crowd but their inner beauty is what keeps us interested. Seeing beyond the physical will bring the connectedness we all crave. Your partner might not be strikingly beautiful but have a heart of gold. I also assert that the people we truly love grow more beautiful in our eyes.

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”

Divorce not only destroys a marriage but causes collateral damage to anyone who loves or cares about you and your ex. Children love both parents making them particularly vulnerable, confused and anxious. Kids question who they are, where they came from and where their lives are headed after a divorce. Their hopes for happiness, as valid as yours, need to be taken into full consideration when you begin looking for someone new.

Taking it Slow

Children need to be protected from any future relationship failures, if at all possible. That means, you should put some distance between your children and a new relationship until you’re prepared to deal with their needs.

Seeing a parent date may be awkward for some kids because it chips away at their reunion fantasy – the hope that you will get back together. The anxiousness of divorce draws children closer to their parents. Don’t undermine their trust by thrusting a new relationship on them too soon.

Talk, Talk, Talk

Address your children s concerns with truthful, direct conversation about the possibility of future relationships before you even begin dating. Be prepared to answers all of their questions. Why would you want another partner? What will happen to us? How will a new relationship affect us? Be open to the possibility that they will feel threatened. Consider the unasked questions lurking in the back of your children’s heart? For example: “Will the new guy try to be my ‘new’ dad?”

Encourage them to express their feelings. Show them with your actions and what you say that a new love interest will never come between you. Never tell them that you won’t have a relationship with anyone they don’t like. But help them understand that they will not be deciding the terms of your relationship. That’s not to say that full disclosure needs to be made after a first or second date. But when you think that there is serious potential for romance to blossom into love, thoughtful consideration needs to be taken to help the kids deal with it.

Time for Introductions

Some people use the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ method, the unspoken rule that keeps their romantic lives separate from their home lives. Casually introducing every date to your kids is definitely a bad idea. But it’s just as bad to minimize a serious relationship as just ‘friends’. Your kids may feel betrayed when they realize the seriousness of the relationship.

Only consider making the introductions after you’ve talked at length with your child about the relationship. Be sure they are ready for the meeting. Choose a setting that is kid-friendly and allows for some distractions - like a sporting event or amusement park. And be careful about how much time you spend together. You don’t want them to become emotionally connected only to find that the relationship isn’t going to work out.

From the moment we are born we crave touch. It is the beginning of how we build self-esteem and a way to increase intimacy. In a romantic relationship, we go through stages of touch that play an important part in the increasing intimacy of the relationship.

There is a great deal of research on the importance of touch in healthy relationships. Studies have shown that by simply holding hands or rubbing someone’s back, you can lower stress levels, lessen anxiety and physical other disorders. There are noticeable changes in mood and even health when we’re exposed to simple human kindness in the form of touch.

Touch is an important method of communicating your feelings to your partner. It shows that you care, want to be involved and supportive. Touching someone lightly with your fingertips will communicate a personal language to the person touched. You will enjoy it as much as your partner and be aware of their absence when you’re apart.

Touching Your Date
Touch can be tricky you’re dating. Some people need their personal space, while others love to be touched. Some people love to touch and others don’t. This is when being able to read body language is important. Look for responses to your moves before advancing to the stage.

You may be seen as pushy or fast if you move too quickly to touch a new date. But on the flip side, move too slowly and you could frustrate your date. A touch must come at the right moment and in the right context. Try to be aware of your own desires and behaviors with touch.

Keep in Touch
Couples in crisis often reflect their discontent with less of the touch that is crucial to a relationship. When you’re relationship is hurting, it is important that you make some sort of physical contact every day -  spontaneously hold hands or give a full body hug to your partner. Talk to your partner and if you feel there is something lacking in your life, make an effort to change. You may be surprised by the positive outcome.

The idea that this is a new trend can quickly be dispelled by the fact that older women have been hooking up with younger men as far back as ancient Egyptian times. Cleopatra, just one example, married two of her brothers over a period of time in compliance with Egyptian tradition; the first brother was only 12 and she was 17 when they wed.

Cou-gar [koo-ger], -noun
1. A large cat also called a mountain lion, panther or puma.
2. An older woman who hangs out at clubs to score a much younger man.

In the celebrity world the list of ‘cougars’ would include Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher, with a 15 year gap, Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong with an 11 year spread and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins with 12 year difference. It is, however, true that society views a couple with a 20 year age gap to far more likely consist of an older man with a younger woman.

Times are a-changing
It was only 40 years or so ago that the woman would have been condemned and ostracized by society for dating a younger man. In a perfect world, the fact that two people are attracted to each other and have consented to form a relationship would be applauded. But the double standard of older men who date younger women (considered at the top of their game) continues year-after-year, while older women dating younger men are seen as desperate and lonely.

But women who have dated younger men would vehemently disagree. Many younger men are the ones who are hungering for the company of an older woman, someone with experience, style and flair. They may be hoping for a deeper connection or unique relationship that they haven’t been able to find in the dating situations they have already experienced. Many people looking for these unusual arrangements find that using an Internet dating service is the easiest and fastest way to find a partner.

Even if a woman is looking to relive her youth by seeking a younger man, who’s to criticize a liaison where the partners have a clear understanding and appreciation of the engagement? The younger man may reap benefits that he may not otherwise have had, while the woman may enjoy a boost to her ego. Where the terms of their relationship are understood from the outset, both people can enjoy the excitement and pleasurable life that awaits them.

The Truth about Cougar Dating
CNN recently ran a segment called “Cougar Night” where they talked women looking for younger men. The women were independently wealthy, while the men were on a lower rung of the economic ladder. Statistics show that these unique relationships are definitely in the minority, with 2001 stats showing them as the smallest group.

Although these relationships are typically short-lived, we’re seeing a shift in society’s acceptance of  ’cougars’. As women reach higher levels of financial success, they may feel empowered to go it alone. I believe that the percentage of the population involved in an older woman/younger man relationship will remain steady and that what appears to be a growing trend is actually a reflection of the larger population of women reaching middle age and shaking things up looking for love and romance.

Being understood is a basic human need that makes room for intimacy and connection. Relationships are built on understanding each other and the ability and willingness to communicate. And the best way to understand the needs of your friends or partner is by listening to them.

Listen and Learn
When the only viewpoint you hear is your own, intellectually it will be like standing in a stagnant swamp - nothing is moving, circulating or growing. Without feedback, we might as well be living in a vacuum. On the other hand, when you listen carefully, allow others to speak and don’t pretend to know what you don’t know, you will be privy to opinions and views that you may not have otherwise learned on your own and will expand your knowledge and be challenged to think outside the box.

Listening is a Team Sport
People who listen are essentially team players. They understand the importance of putting their best out front, but they also hold back and observe the other person’s actions, working to keep a balance between speaking and listening. Good communicators don’t force people to hear them out, they invite them on a journey of mutual respect and understanding, allowing the ebb and flow of the conversation to run its own course.

Improve Your Listening  Skills
So, what can you do to improve your listening skills?  In its simplest terms, a good listener is interested, rather than interesting. Learning to listen is like learning a new conversation style, and it takes conscientious effort. You will come to understand that a conversation is not a challenge or a battle of wits but a meeting of minds and a way to make a deeper connection.

• Put Others First - Changing focus from me-centered to you-centered needs to be made on an ongoing basis. When your energies are put into recognizing and acknowledging the other person, you will be less inclined to talk about yourself. Everyone craves someone to notice and listen to what they have to say - be that person!
• Ask Questions - Sometimes you may be overly chatty because the person you’re with is shy or reserved. Ask the other person questions about themselves. Listen to what is being said, then join in whenever the subject crosses into interests or experiences you share.
• Give Feedback - Responses like “Uh-huh” or “Hmm, I see” could just as easily be said by a dummy and may come across as indifferent, or worse, boredom. Show that you’re actively listening and are genuinely interested in what is being said by responding with anecdotes or comments.
• Watch for Balance - A long story or dialog is perfectly fine, as long as you’re aware and don’t dominate to the exclusion of the other person. If you find yourself getting carried away and dominating, step back and change the focus back to the other person with a question.

Relationships will be more productive and enjoyable when you understand and practice the give-and-take of listening and speaking. Over time it will become the natural way you communicate and you’ll see the benefits in all of your relationships.

Back in 1995, the only way to meet someone was through friends, colleagues, work, nightclubs and blind dates. Online dating came on the scene in 2000 and began to slowly emerge as the Internet became accessible to more people. Online dating is now a $300 million industry in the U.S. alone, and according to the US Census, 40% of American singles have tried finding love online. So why should you consider foregoing the traditional dating routine for the Internet? Although the best strategy would be to take advantage of both, here are some reasons to give online dating a try.

Timer Saver

There’s just no way to compare the vast number of people you can check out online or the huge amount of time you’ll save. If you’re interested in five posted profiles, you can make an email connection immediately and weed out the ones with no potential in a matter of minutes. The same process in real life dating would mean meeting five separate individuals and sitting through the possible agony of disinterest and wasted time.

Another time-saving bonus is the ability to check out the field of prospects at any time of day or night. With the web available 24/7, you can meet people when it’s most convenient for you and you don’t have to wait until the weekend to meet someone. You can log on any time of day and you’ll find someone waiting to chat.

Getting to the Nitty-Gritty

Online dating provides the opportunity to be upfront and personal about who you are and what kind of person you hoping to find, without the awkwardness may accompany such a discussion. If, for example, you have a strong preference for a particular religion, race or political position, you can specify those factors into your profile. On the other hand, in real life dating, it may take several dates before you get around to talking about those same sensitive issues. There are sites specifically designed for people with strong preferences – pet lovers, vegetarians, Christianity, you name it.

Local or Global Scope

One of the more obvious advantages to using an online dating service is the expanded area for your search. Whether local, regional or global, the number of potential prospects is only limited by your willingness to be adventurous. Access to this many people is virtually impossible when dating the “traditional way” out in the “real world”.

Is the Cost worth the Effort?

Many people question whether using a dating services is worth the money. But if you compare the fees against the money you would spend on coffee, drinks or dinner for a traditional meet-and-greet, you would quickly see that in comparison the cost is reasonable.

If you use an online dating service in conjunction with traditional ways of meeting people, there will be more opportunities to find that special someone. And you won’t waste any more time in the same old haunts waiting for your soul mate to jump out of the woodwork. One month’s membership costs less than a night out and gives you hundreds of opportunities to meet your perfect partner – every night!